Mimamakim Take 10

When I exit the cycles of intensity, it feels like I have walked through blazing fire, burning off any remaining layers of pain, anger, resentment, or outrage that remained hidden under a knee cap or in between my pumping veins. Exiting the blaze, it feels stranger than ever to be alive. Clearly there is something within me that is continuously receiving this polishing, and yet another part of me remains a peaceful witness to the explosive drama of emotional triggers. This essence, call it a soul, sits solidly unaffected by the roller coaster of upheaval that feels like a plague but often leads to liberation. Often I thought that the inner-work had concluded, and that I had entered the pit of crusty molded emotions of past traumas to the point of expiration, that my roars and tears were those of the past. And yet, when I expect it the least, another wave consumes me, barfing up pieces of my unexplored emotional self that wants a voice and a presence, just like every other part of me. It all wants to be seen, heard, explored, celebrated, loved, accepted, protected, nurtured.
And yet, when the roars quiet to whispers, and tears morph into smiles, I deepen. Deeper than I had thought possible into this mystery of life. Rashani states my sentiments perfectly in “Again and Again”:

It is only by breaking open entirely,
By allowing our heart and whole being
To break open again and again,
Wider than we ever thought possible,
That the unbreakable jewel is revealed:
The beloved of being itself,
The radiant diamond that we have always been.
By loving, truly loving every aspect
Of who we are,
An inexplicable laughter is born
From the deepest sorrow,
An exquisite song emerges
From the most terrifying scream,
The most tender child is awakened
Through the hateful murderer,
Our purest holiness is revealed
By our willingness to embrace
The very thing that most frightens us
And we find unexpectedly a treasure
Where we least expect it to be.
Often in the most disavowed part
Of who we are.

Last night over margaritas and guacamole at Rosa Mexicana in Manhattan’s Union Square area (by the way, definitely go there, the food is delicious, a great spacious vibe, and an amazing wall of sculpted human figures catching drops of water strolling down from the ceiling is not to be missed!), I joined forces with some of the most special woman that I know. During our monthly get-together with my dear soul sisters, we spoke about diets, boyfriends, sex, nephews, favorite books, break-ups, and ideas. Amongst much laughter, smile, and light-hearted bantering, I could not help but feel both connected to these loving human beings, and simultaneously worlds apart. “You have no idea where I have been”, my bodily cells whispered. Mimamakim, from the depths. There is a world inside of my silky smooth skin, and at moments when I take a belly-filled breath, I feel as though I can contact the core of the Earth herself. After being in the depth of depths within my body, how do I transition to light-hearted chit-chat about random hook-ups and Jdate profiles? But I do. Because that is a part of me too. All is welcome here.